They carry the friction. We carry on.

I've just finished appraisal season. Something in the process this year made me wonder how much people edit themselves before giving me feedback.

I like to think of myself as self-aware. I reflect. I ask for feedback. I know some of my weaknesses. But mostly, I really try to listen.

And yet I'm beginning to wonder whether self-awareness can become its own hiding place.

I know I can be impatient. I know I move quickly. I know I sometimes step in even when I shouldn't.

Naming a behaviour isn't the same as understanding its impact. And the longer we work somewhere, the more senior we become, the easier it may be to confuse the two.

Because people learn us.

They learn when we'll step in. What we'll question. What makes us impatient. Which challenges are worth making.

They adapt, add the extra check, soften the message, anticipate the reaction. They work around us.

The work still gets done. And perhaps that's the problem. Because from where we're sitting, everything appears to be working.

We may not see the extra meeting. The decision that waited for us. The challenge that remained unsaid. The energy spent managing our reaction.

What if some of what looks like effective leadership from our side of the table is actually other people's invisible labour?

They carry the friction. We carry on.

So I've decided to try a different set of questions.

Not what could I do better? But what do I do that makes your job harder? What do you compensate for because of me? Where do you spend energy managing me rather than doing your job? What have you stopped telling me?

And then I'm going to sit with what I hear. I'm going to resist explaining, defending or telling them I already know. I'm just going to listen.

Because perhaps self-awareness isn't knowing our weaknesses. It's understanding what they cost the people around us.

So here's the experiment.

Ask one person, “What do I do that makes your job harder?”

Then pay attention to two things. What they tell you. And what happens inside you when they do.

Because the second answer might reveal as much as the first.