The things we tolerate

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the small things we let pass.

Not the big, obvious decisions.

Not the moments that feel important at the time.

But the quieter ones.

The email we don’t question.

The unclear instruction we work around instead of clarifying.

The behaviour that doesn’t sit quite right, but we let it go.

The moment we choose ease over effort.

I used to think culture, whether at work, in teams, even in relationships, was shaped by intention. By what we say we value. By what we believe about ourselves. By the kind of people we think we are. But I’m starting to see it differently now.

I’m starting to see how much of it is shaped by what we tolerate.

I recorded a conversation this week with John Amaechi. It was one of those conversations where you feel yourself shifting slightly as you’re speaking. Not dramatically. Not all at once. Just enough to notice.

At one point, we spoke about why leaders so often explain behaviour through motivation.

Why we say things like:

“They’re not committed enough.”

“They don’t care.”

“They lack ownership.”

And what he said was simple, but it stayed with me. Sometimes we reach for those explanations because they protect us. Because if the problem is “them”… then it doesn’t have to be us.

It doesn’t have to be the way we communicate. Or the way we structure work. Or the way we design systems that quietly reward one thing while saying we value another.

It doesn’t have to be the things we’ve allowed to become normal.

Culture is not defined by what we say we value. Culture is defined by the behaviour we tolerate.

I’ve been turning that over in my mind.

Not in a corporate sense.

But in a much smaller, more personal way.

What do I tolerate in my own life?

Where do I allow ambiguity instead of asking for clarity?

Where do I accept misalignment instead of naming it?

Where do I choose the easier path, even when I know it leads somewhere I don’t want to go?

Because those small decisions accumulate. And eventually, they shape the environment we find ourselves living in.

I asked John to share a story about his mother. When he told her he wanted to go to America and play in the NBA, she asked him a question.

“Would you recognise your soul in the dark?”

I’ve been sitting with that question ever since. Because it’s not really about ambition. It’s about knowing yourself well enough to navigate.

To understand the things that might pull you off course. The habits you fall back into. The shortcuts you take when things feel difficult. The stories you tell yourself to make those choices feel justified.

Self-awareness isn’t just a nice thing to have. It’s what allows you to notice, in real time, when you’re tolerating something you shouldn’t.

The small things matter.

Clarity.

Consistency.

Attention.

Care.

Those things require effort. Not a huge amount, necessarily. But more than the alternative. And I think that’s where this lands for me. So much of what shapes our lives isn’t beyond our control. It’s just… slightly harder than the easier option. And over time, we choose. Again and again.

“It’s not about skill. It’s about will.”

I think that’s the part that stays with me. Because it moves the question away from can I? And closer to something else.

Do I want to?

Does it matter enough?

I don’t have a neat ending for this.

Where, in your life, are you tolerating something small…that is quietly shaping something much bigger?